Could be Couldn’t be

I could be brand new all over again, if you say

Or i could hold on to the life i’ve created and stay

I could be beginning to dream new dreams

Or i could open my eyes to the same sunbeam

I could be smooth,scar less, never hollow nor dark

Or i could be crying for hours just say on your mark..

I could be the shadow of every misery lets say

Or i could be the first rain droplet on a sunny day

I could be the giggle of a content heart if that exists

Or i could be the lit cigarette burnt with agony that persists

I could be sweet the real me i once was i remember

Or i could be the same fucking bitch i was last December

I could be the happy one falling in love again

Or i could still kiss the past absorbing all the pain

The choice is always ours it takes real balls to let go

Could be couldn’t be wouldn’t exist, start saying No

Life goes on my love it gets better if you may

You are beautiful,  know it and just shine away

 

Stronger or weaker?

i’ll figure out this mess
I’ll blow the blurriness

the scar i embossed upon my heart
letting them carve it with such art

unfair to me were they or was it myself?
apparently, i suffer, they’re hidden, little elves!

hollow like a cylinder or a pipe i feel it
Right there in my chest please believe it

it aches as the lights go off at night
memories ambush me and then i fight

they say it gets better those literate peeps
they’ve never been in love nor they weep

this is a story every next door oh my reader
agony however is true like a scornful meander

I’m healing yes i am you can say at least
Or is it that i fake in any crowded feast

there are billion sth ppl around this world existing
but you are the only soul i want. I ain’t listing.

took me months to pick up this pen again and write it out
you see, you took everything with you without a shout

hope, even if i say i don’t, i do have within me
I’m human; (rolling my eyes) i say sarcastically

stronger or weaker you ask for the conclusion?
it’s weaker for me without any confusion

Angel.

white painted walls and plain blue curtains,
putter-pattering on the roof, outside it rains.

the door opens as i open my eyes sluggishly,
i found myself in blue scrubs.drip glaring vividly

annoys me the ear-piercing continuous beeping,
and that’s when i hear The weeping.

he enters grinning ear to ear in my ward,
he hold something in a pink towel; oh lord.

leaning over me lovingly he kisses my head,
sets himself on a wooden chair beside my bed.

i hold my arms the way i had practiced,
each second of my nine months this guy has witnessed.

a tiny fair angel then lands in my impatient arms,
eyes like mine; rest is his father’s face charms.

the beeping machine gets louder as my heart races,
i blink to see through the tears matching their faces.

way better than i pictured my baby, indeed,
a wave of mother-hood wash over me, I’ve been freed.

cuddling ‘lil my hubby’ close to my chest i sigh,
my baby is exactly like him no one can deny.

the angel smiles as daddy kisses his pink cheek ,
Awe-struck, content. we cry. tear ducts weak.

‘Sorry ‘s not your princess u wanted’ i say,
Rep:’I do not love him any less in any possible way’

we sat blissful holding hands promising to each other,
to protect to love, be an amazing father and mother.

seeing the two great souls with me i love and adore; i feel grateful,
this guy my life, inside out, he is beautiful.

the happy family is brought ever so close,
a miracle pretty angel that Allah chose.

Left on the aisle…

walking away, leaving me on the aisle, you are going
how little and inferior i was to you you are showing

red flowers that i held in my arm merrily a while ago
now lie limp on the floor you threw them as you go

i stare, flabbergasted, at your back through my veil
love.life.family, an epic fail.

to reason with me that’s what i told you
words still echo ‘its over cant bear you’

flawlessly, the white gown hangs on me still,
poke me in my ribs and that can kill

craving to run and grab you and beg,
sobbing too much on your leg

maybe that could remind you the day you vowed
marry me princess? and then you bowed

it took me a sec to say yes to you baby
as i thought I’d enter my heaven, well maybe.

running for dresses and preparing the guest list
last few weeks seemed like a mist

all now is just a dream. a nightmare.
its truly quoted ‘life inst fair’

i then feel someone grabs my arm and takes me somewhere
am i fainting? blur pictures everywhere

you are gone in your car alone without me,
flowers still decorated oh i cant see

few minutes of this evening and I’m a dead soul
pierced right through my heart, a deep hole

please tell me its all a joke?
I’ll sigh a relief as I’ll woke

but the gloomy faces of my friends and family
pity on the girl in white gown, tells the story

i let the gravity take over me, shrink-ed.
hitting the floor on which i was to be ringed

i lay closing my eyes murmuring your name.
a girl left on the aisle, what a shame.

Fall.

taken aback, fallen behind,
cascading to the ground, teared pride.

tears of melted emotions,
colors of darkness, your fake devotion

I’m sharing above feelings with my heart,
observing life’s every part.

looking at the empty side of the bed,
i followed where ever you led.

nowhere you are to be seen,
even though you knew how much you mean.

i chase the shadows through the trees,
scared at the humming of the bees.

looking back far behind is a light,
fine beam so bright.

that light has your touch,
the whisper of ‘iloveyousomuch’

the giggle you loved,
that caring when i coughed.

so honest and sincere you declared you were,
wide eyes suddenly went blur.

that time i cant ever forget,
whenever we happily met.

turning back my head to the shadows i was following,
the lump grew hard and i was swallowing.

every shadow seems like you my dear,
then its a tree or a crow oh i cant bear.

landing on the bank of the river.
gulping the blood;sound severe?

there i stand with my eyes closed,
hands by side totally composed.

water, or is it a black sea?
its the same or is it just me?

whispering iloveyou for the last time,
holding my breath crossing the line.

i jumped like i used to when i was a kid,
but this time the water hit.

i sunk and sunk like a metal ball,
poor me had a great fall.

Gone.

as now I’m told,
to write about the person who holds.

the key to my heart,
a very important part.

i figure what to express,
you are gone and im a mess.
to you, once oh dear, i was everything,
i had a place in the world, surely something.
when you leaned in to breathe me,
when you’re hand touched my knee.
a lump grew in my throat,
i then erased what i wrote.
it wasn’t a lump that grew in,
but a flower within.
flower, of love of care,
a feeling i cant ever share.
i watered it and you gave it sunshine,
oh yes! you said you are mine.
the flower blossomed, me all red,
ah and the day when we met.
the time, i was shocked, flew,
i was happy, so happy. and you too.
i thought i was lucky to have that flower,
but unluckily i lost that flower.
now when i say you are mine,
reply: you’ve lost your mind.
heartbroken, no smile to show,
oh baby please dont go?
i promise, I’ll behave,
without you life is a dark cave.
with no light and bright,
what a pity full sight.
please sweetheart forgive me?
please bother to love me?
i beg and die,
cant you see? why?
i left people because of you. now I’m alone,
there’s nothing. nothing. you are gone.